It’s 1.55am in the morning, I’ve had a shower, poured myself a small gallon of wine, sitting cozily in my sexy new black Calvin Kleins, and editing the Swimming Finals images taken a few nights earlier.
My eyes are heavy and burning. My mid back is sore. I needed sleep.
But then I heard THE noise that no-one in Rio ever wants to hear.
I stopped typing, sat motionless, held my breath, and wondered if I was just overworked and delirious.
Then I heard it again. In the right ear.
I started to sweat. My heart beat faster and heavier. I couldn't breath. I felt like a helpless victim in a Halloween horror movie.
Then I chillingly heard it again. Bzzzzzzzz. Its third flyby. Left ear this time.
A MOSQUITO WAS IN MY ROOM !
I sat frozen in my chair and I began to ask myself silly questions trying to evaluate the seriousness of the situation I was in.
Was this a Zika mozzie or just Malaria ? How could I tell anyway, does not a mozzie just look like another mozzie ? Which one was worse ?
Why was the recent Batman vs Superman movie so shit ?
When did I last apply my 6 hour protection insect repellant ? Shit, it was over 9 hours ago. My force shield was non-existent and I was vulnerable to attack. The spray was nowhere in easy reach.
Could I make the dash to the bed and cover myself head to toe under the blanket hoping it moves on to the neighbour’s room ? My neighbour was a Russian journalist, Vlad, much bigger than I, and I’m sure there was copious amount of Vodka in his Bloody Mary blood mix.
As I irrationally contemplated the dire predicament I was in, my eyes locked on the mozzie. Mozzie was now on my computer screen, landing smack bang in the middle of Cate Campbell’s face.
Option 1: Punching the Mac screen with my fist would only end up with a broken screen rendering my hand and my Mac useless for the rest of the Games.
Option 2: Could I spray it with the insect repellant ? It’s just a repellant, not an exterminator, I would only repel it away from my radar lock sight.
Option 3: Perhaps I could spray a whole bottle of Windex on Mozzie ? That would surely kill it, and I would have the cleanest computer screen in Rio. Bonus. Two birds with one stone.
But who packs a bottle of Windex in their suitcase ? Sadly I did not. (Private message me if you do because I would like to know why).
At least I knew where Mozzie was. I felt like Rambo in the Vietnam jungle. I now became the Hunter and not the Hunted.
Being the coward I really am, I decided I would Usain Bolt for the bed and hide under the covers. As I slowly took my hand off the computer mouse, the screen cursor moves, and the Mozzie is startled and flies out of sight.
I then stop my run for the bed. Not knowing where Mozzie was, I might accidentally cover us both under the blanket, and the mass murderer would have all night to drain every single drop of my blood replacing it with a Zika Martini.
Frozen in my seat again, I then felt Mozzie land on my body. My worst fear faced me head-on.
Mozzie was on my lap. We’l let me elaborate, Mozzie is on my lap and towards centre. Politely then I shall write, Mozzie had landed on my man-parts. I would be ‘nuts’ to tell you the exact location.
Panic sets in. I had no time to Google ‘Can a Brazilian Mosquito bite through a $35 pair of 2016 Calvin Kleins?’
I was then faced with the hardest decision I have had to make in my entire life. Do I meet this enemy with brute violent force, or use UN style negotiation skills to talk Mozzie into full evacuation and withdrawal from that region ? As I could not speak Mosquito, and Mozzie could not speak Human, I was left with only one course of action. It’s 2.05am on Monday August 15 2016, silent peaceful and dark throughout Brazil, and a haunting scream could be heard throughout the Media Village 3.